Another year is coming to a close. The social media blitz is getting ready to start, and I'm going to be reading a whole lot of well-wishes for holidays by many people.
But do me a favor, don't "Text Me Merry Christmas."
In as much as I have people in my life I love, that list has dwindled over the last year significantly. It is amazing how many people honestly think that a Facebook post/private message, Tweet, or text message is talking to someone.
I'm here to tell you, it's not.
I've had some big things happen this year. Things that have torn me down again, and I've spent time building myself back up. There are a few friends that have been a very big help, and they know who they are. So, my year in review looks like this:
View on the world:
If you are constantly bitching about race and things surrounding that, you're racist. White privilege DOES exist, and we all know it. If you can't handle that, maybe you need to have a come-to-Jesus moment. You know in your soul, way deep down in the part you don't let any one into, that if you're white, you have less to worry about. Because of my outward appearance, I've seen it. With my own two eyes. I've lived both sides of it, and know for a fact that it happens. It's not anyone's fault but society's and our grandparents and great-grandparents. And yes, in some cases, parents. I don't really care what you think about this, and if you are one of those that says "I'm so tired of hearing about this." STOP. Think. Because when a woman of color has to raise her son to be careful because they will KILL YOU, it's definitely a problem. And the reason you're tired of hearing it is because you are sick of being told the truth. Live in your Faux news bubble and be happy, and don't say a word about it because it's not your fight, right?
Or maybe you could stop dropping the N-bomb around your white friends in private and act like you have some damn sense.
I know people who do it.
Sidenote: I have also never seen such disrespect for a US President in my lifetime. If you don't like the President's policies, or the direction he's taking, or even anything about him, that's fine. But he BUSTED HIS ASS to get where he is, was ELECTED to that position by a popular vote, and does not deserved to be called names by anyone. The man has aged 20 years on his face over less than 7 years and is worthy of respect simply due to the fact that he is the President of this country. Disagree with him all you want to, but he does not need to "be choked to death" or "shut his mouth" - things I remember reading over this year. Just today I saw someone post that they spent the day yesterday getting to "p*ss and sh*t all over Obama's face." I have a feeling I know exactly why it's that way too.
If you're not willing to admit you're racist in front of the people you secretly don't like, then you're a coward. And I don't need you in my life. Which brings me to my next point.
Where I stand with "social media" and "friends"
You noticed the quotes, didn't you? HAHA! You kinda already know what's coming. As of December 24th, 2014, I have 509 people that consider themselves my "friends" in social media. These mostly consist of people I have worked with throughout the years, people I knew from back in the day, and a few real friends. Many of the people on that list don't even speak to me, and there are some that don't even acknowledge me in public. So, that list will be cut by over half by January 1, 2015. If I don't want to see you on my various forms of social media or have no interest in continuing to watch you disrespect certain things, I'm done. If you are reading this thinking it's not you, wait for that surprise, because it's coming, and you might be shocked. It may not even necessarily mean that I don't like you. It might just be that you're someone that makes me generally unhappy through no fault of your own. Or it could be that every time I read what you write I am disgusted by the state of human beings. ESPECIALLY people who claim to be religious in any way.
Other reasons: You don't ever post anything. You don't speak to me at all. You post stupid things. Or your grammar is just that atrocious. OR you're an ex and I can't stand seeing how happy you are with your new guy after abusing me; that includes women who I used to be interested in or claim they were interested in me. Which brings me to my next point:
Relationship Status
This is a subject that privately makes me so angry I see red. I watched someone I was in love with for years finally pick herself back up from being really far down and get pregnant with someone who she loves greatly. Maybe they will live happily ever after. That guy? Not me. Then later in the year got dumped by another chick who I thought I was going to marry eventually. Not the case obviously. The amount of rejection I've dealt with this year alone has been enough to drive anyone insane. Since said chick dumped me, the constant feeling I deal with is rejection; because it's all I get dealt. I am always on the back burner and second to everything. Work, school, kids, friends, television, whatever. I understand that certain things have to get done, but come on! I'm so sick of all the BS I hear on a regular basis. Women are too busy playing games to understand what realness is; constantly trying to convince you to go out with them so that they can get scared and run. I watch people with jobless, jealous, mean guys who are absolute DOUCHEBAGS and I can't even have a stable relationship? Yeah, over that crap. So, I've decided that I am going to put in the exact amount of effort I get. In the new year, I'm not paying any more. That decision comes from realizing I spent probably one to two thousand dollars on dates this year and am spending the holidays alone yet again. I'm texting first every third day. And if a female makes it clear that everything is more important than me and makes no effort to even make me feel the tiniest bit special to her, I have to dismiss her. Because my sanity is no longer worth it and my wallet can't take it. And my depression level continues to rise right along with my blood pressure.
It is what it is though. Found a great church this year, made some new friends that make me happy to see them. I have a great person in my life who is my teacher, mentor, and great friend. Learned some new tricks along the year, forgot some bad ones. Suffice to say that no, other than a few points, this has not been a great year. But that's okay. I have Jesus, Jim, and Dee. I have my family. Because everything is gonna change in 2015. And hopefully, I'll surprise myself. Because that's what I really want to do.
Wednesday, December 24, 2014
Friday, September 26, 2014
Again? REALLY?
The following is in no way associated with any particular company. This is my personal experience, and the reason why I am no longer DJing anything ever again. Actually, repeated situations that look similar to this.
So, I just received a notice through a third party from someone I worked for that the person was "less than pleased" with my services as a DJ.
You have absolutely no idea how angry I am right now.
See, this particular person wanted a bilingual DJ. I am not fluent in proper Spanish, but I was assigned this wedding by the company I contract with anyway because there wasn't anyone else available. Cool.
Then I find out that this person wants everything done in English and Spanish. Then I find out that she wants specialized international music from Central America. Which basically means that I was forced to spend over 50 dollars on music to make sure that this went off without a problem. Then I spent over 8 hours over 3 days on the phone with this particular person. Then I spent an entire day writing and translating everything I needed to say as well as going over it to an insane amount to prepare. I had to pay for and download special music for her ceremony as well as using equipment they didn't pay for to make everything work. Then there was a ridiculous amount of driving involved. Then there was the fact that any time something had to be said spontaneously, it was almost impossible.
There were at least 5 different Spanish cultures at this wedding, as well as white people, black people, and who-knows-what-else. Ever try to play Mozart's "A Little Night Music" as a dance song? That's what it's like from culture-to-culture in the Spanish community.
I also offered to let her use my personal cell phone to Skype with the groom's father in his home country because he wasn't able to get a visa to come to the wedding. I also offered to use one of my small, inexpensive cameras to video the ceremony just so that she could have it to show the groom's father at a later date. I also listened to this chick go bridezilla for the planning process, and heard nothing but bad things about her from EVERYONE else who was working that wedding. Caterers, planners, even the equipment rental people had something to say. I said nothing, as I am told to do by the people who run everything. (Yes, after years of mistakes on this one, I finally learned my lesson.)
No one has any idea the stress I went through for an entire week about this wedding. There was worry that damn near caused panic attacks, points when I felt like breaking down crying, and having to put my entire life on hold for 5 days because of a wedding. I busted my ass to make sure this thing went off as well as it could. I missed class because I had to prepare for it and make sure everything was good.
I got sucked in by another client and allowed them to make me care about them. After everything I did to create a comfortable environment for them, after all the money I spent, after the lies told to me after the wedding from the bride's mouth and the groom's mouth, and the wedding party's mouth, and the bride's father's mouth, I find out she was "less than pleased."
Now, here's the truth: I knew for a fact, before this wedding even happened, that she was going to complain NO MATTER THE OUTCOME. I knew because she was way too picky about everything. She never actually made up her mind about what songs she wanted played at her ceremony and the order she wanted them in. We discussed about 20 different possibilities, and even after that she changed her mind several times. The order of events changed several times during her reception, which happens, but not as often as it did at this wedding. Everything was basically a cluster**** from start to finish, and I was expected to be the shining light in that colossal **** storm. That's what's killing me about this whole situation. I KNEW AHEAD OF TIME. I don't know why I think that I can save situations that are doomed before I even walk into them. When I spoke to one of the owners of the company before the wedding, even he said something about how intense she was. I really should have known this was coming, but I can't even fathom this shit after all the work I put in. At the very least the client should have said NOTHING knowing how hard I worked. I was actually told that because of her rapport we were saved from a bad review. Really? Wow.
So, here's the end result: I can not DJ any more. People don't understand how personally I take this. I don't care what any one says about not taking it personally, I have pride, damnit. When you ask me to do work for you, I bust my ass to make sure everything is perfect. Just because your guests aren't dancing because they want to hear cumbia and you as the client want bachata, that's not my fault. I did everything you told me to do, and you have the AUDACITY to complain about me. I went ABOVE AND BEYOND the call of duty in this situation, and you really think that I did a bad job? Forget you. I'm done. I will never DJ another thing again for anyone ever. No clubs, no bars, no teen parties, no balls, no corporate events, no backyard barbecues, and most certainly NOT ANOTHER DAMN WEDDING EVER AGAIN. My health and well-being is not worth it any longer. I had to stop halfway through writing this to make sure I didn't have a damn panic attack over it.
So, don't ask. Because the answer will be no. And a big thank you to the client who was the straw that broke the camel's back. You may have just added five years to my life. Or taken five away. Not sure yet.
So, I just received a notice through a third party from someone I worked for that the person was "less than pleased" with my services as a DJ.
You have absolutely no idea how angry I am right now.
See, this particular person wanted a bilingual DJ. I am not fluent in proper Spanish, but I was assigned this wedding by the company I contract with anyway because there wasn't anyone else available. Cool.
Then I find out that this person wants everything done in English and Spanish. Then I find out that she wants specialized international music from Central America. Which basically means that I was forced to spend over 50 dollars on music to make sure that this went off without a problem. Then I spent over 8 hours over 3 days on the phone with this particular person. Then I spent an entire day writing and translating everything I needed to say as well as going over it to an insane amount to prepare. I had to pay for and download special music for her ceremony as well as using equipment they didn't pay for to make everything work. Then there was a ridiculous amount of driving involved. Then there was the fact that any time something had to be said spontaneously, it was almost impossible.
There were at least 5 different Spanish cultures at this wedding, as well as white people, black people, and who-knows-what-else. Ever try to play Mozart's "A Little Night Music" as a dance song? That's what it's like from culture-to-culture in the Spanish community.
I also offered to let her use my personal cell phone to Skype with the groom's father in his home country because he wasn't able to get a visa to come to the wedding. I also offered to use one of my small, inexpensive cameras to video the ceremony just so that she could have it to show the groom's father at a later date. I also listened to this chick go bridezilla for the planning process, and heard nothing but bad things about her from EVERYONE else who was working that wedding. Caterers, planners, even the equipment rental people had something to say. I said nothing, as I am told to do by the people who run everything. (Yes, after years of mistakes on this one, I finally learned my lesson.)
No one has any idea the stress I went through for an entire week about this wedding. There was worry that damn near caused panic attacks, points when I felt like breaking down crying, and having to put my entire life on hold for 5 days because of a wedding. I busted my ass to make sure this thing went off as well as it could. I missed class because I had to prepare for it and make sure everything was good.
I got sucked in by another client and allowed them to make me care about them. After everything I did to create a comfortable environment for them, after all the money I spent, after the lies told to me after the wedding from the bride's mouth and the groom's mouth, and the wedding party's mouth, and the bride's father's mouth, I find out she was "less than pleased."
Now, here's the truth: I knew for a fact, before this wedding even happened, that she was going to complain NO MATTER THE OUTCOME. I knew because she was way too picky about everything. She never actually made up her mind about what songs she wanted played at her ceremony and the order she wanted them in. We discussed about 20 different possibilities, and even after that she changed her mind several times. The order of events changed several times during her reception, which happens, but not as often as it did at this wedding. Everything was basically a cluster**** from start to finish, and I was expected to be the shining light in that colossal **** storm. That's what's killing me about this whole situation. I KNEW AHEAD OF TIME. I don't know why I think that I can save situations that are doomed before I even walk into them. When I spoke to one of the owners of the company before the wedding, even he said something about how intense she was. I really should have known this was coming, but I can't even fathom this shit after all the work I put in. At the very least the client should have said NOTHING knowing how hard I worked. I was actually told that because of her rapport we were saved from a bad review. Really? Wow.
So, here's the end result: I can not DJ any more. People don't understand how personally I take this. I don't care what any one says about not taking it personally, I have pride, damnit. When you ask me to do work for you, I bust my ass to make sure everything is perfect. Just because your guests aren't dancing because they want to hear cumbia and you as the client want bachata, that's not my fault. I did everything you told me to do, and you have the AUDACITY to complain about me. I went ABOVE AND BEYOND the call of duty in this situation, and you really think that I did a bad job? Forget you. I'm done. I will never DJ another thing again for anyone ever. No clubs, no bars, no teen parties, no balls, no corporate events, no backyard barbecues, and most certainly NOT ANOTHER DAMN WEDDING EVER AGAIN. My health and well-being is not worth it any longer. I had to stop halfway through writing this to make sure I didn't have a damn panic attack over it.
So, don't ask. Because the answer will be no. And a big thank you to the client who was the straw that broke the camel's back. You may have just added five years to my life. Or taken five away. Not sure yet.
Sunday, August 25, 2013
Hi, my name is Vinny, and I hate myself.
There are some things that
have been running through my head for a long while now, and most
folks seem entertained by what runs through my head. This may be
informative, then again, it might not be. Some people don't seem to
get it. So, let me get started on what I feel like saying. Chances
are some of this is going to get me in trouble...but I'm okay with
that. Otherwise, I wouldn't write it and make it public knowledge.
First, no one picks up the phone any more...they text. I've even caught myself doing it. I really don't like that. If I call you, it's because I want to hear your voice and/or I want you to hear mine. I don't want to have to figure out how to place inflection on what I'm typing. Honestly, in the grand scheme of things, this is probably completely unimportant. But, it needs to be said, and it's my blog, and I can say whatever I damn well please.
Second, I do not conduct business on Facebook. Yeah, the whole world uses social media for blah blah blah, and I might ruin chances of making money because blahblahblah.
I don't give a rat's ass.
Facebook is my personal life. If I post something about where I'm DJing, it's not business. It may seem like it, but the truth is, I'm giving you another option of something to do, and telling you where I'm going to be. You know, in case you haven't seen me in a while and want to. Or just so you don't have to go to a place with another crappy DJ. You could come see THIS crappy DJ! I have a business page, and I use it for – you guessed it – BUSINESS!!!!! What I say or do on Facebook, Twitter, or any other social media platform is my personal life, and will be treated as such. I have an email address. That's what it's for. Therefore, if you send me a message on Facebook about a price quote, a charity event, or anything having to do with business, it will go unanswered, or I will send you a little nastygram back. Facebook = personal life. Get it? This goes DOUBLY for people constantly asking me to like their business, or strings of businesses, or whatever. (It's actually reason number one why I wrote this section.) This is a last warning before removing your ass altogether. I don't care who you are, or what you think. PERIOD. (That means it's not up for discussion, so don't bring it up.)
Next, in case you hadn't noticed, my name is spelled V-I-N-N-Y. If you can't get that right, then find something else to call me. A nickname, shorten it up, full name, last name, whatever. I'll even answer to “asshole” if you want, just stop misspelling my name. And while we're on the subject of names...
My last name is “Gonzalez” - not Smith, Jones, or some other Caucasian-based variety. Prepare to be shocked: I am not white. I may “look white,” I may even “sound white” to some of you, but rest assured, I am not. And this isn't a race thing, because I love white people. So when you make your little racist jokes and I hear them and chuckle a little, it's a nervous laugh. Because I DON'T LIKE THAT SHIT. When you say things about my heritage, it rattles me to the very core. Puerto Ricans are very proud of our heritage – like all Hispanics WE don't think it's funny when you call us something else facetiously. You might think it's funny to make jokes and push the issue of whatever-the-hell you feel like saying about my ethnic origin – I'm telling you it's not funny, and I'm not going to stand for it any more. So shut your mouth before you even think of opening it.
Next, and please prepare yourself...chances are, you are not my friend. You might even be reading this and thinking, “Well, this part isn't for me.”
Ha ha. That's what you think.
Have I called you and told you about a serious problem I'm having, and ask you if we can just hang out because I need a friend? Have you asked this of me? I probably dropped everything and came running, right? Now, ask yourself this – would you have done the same for me? Did you do the same for me? Yeah, that's right. That shit just hit you, didn't it? That time I called you, didn't leave a voicemail, and you didn't pick up the phone and didn't call back at your earliest convenience? That was the point when you let me know that you weren't really my friend – but were damn sure willing to say I was yours. Jesus said turn the other cheek, he didn't say that I had to be in the room for you to strike me in the first place. And believe me, there are quite a few people that I allowed to strike me more than once.
Everything that was written up to this point needs no opinion – it's simply a statement of fact or feeling – neither of which requires your thought pattern. If it pisses you off, you probably should have thought about that in the first place. I really thought I was done with childish bullshit at one point before, but I realize that as long as I allow childish people to act childish in my presence, I am bringing it upon myself. I acknowledge that I have, in fact, allowed people to lie to me, manipulate me, and make me do things that I really don't want to do. I drop everything to bend over backwards and walk through fire to be lied to, or misled. I don't want to allow this to happen to me anymore. Therefore, I am resolving myself to no longer allow it. It has come time for me to allow my type-A personality to show through in all aspects of my life. I'm not happy with MYSELF as a result of all the bullshit I have put up with. It dawned on me today that I have hated myself since I was about 10 years old – and that little ditty came up without me even thinking about it. I just said it out loud while I was talking to my mother. I spent the next few hours really mulling over that little brain ninja, and that was some serious reflection time. I hate myself. I have for about 25 years now. Is there a support group for that?
Hi, my name is Vinny, and I hate myself.
So, if you're not happy with yourself, change it, right?
I sincerely wish you the best in discovering which part of this applies to you, if at all. Because if that's all you're thinking about, then you just missed the fact that I – *publicly* – admitted that the entire time you have known me, I have hated myself. And you're worried about you, right? GTFOH. Seriously.
First, no one picks up the phone any more...they text. I've even caught myself doing it. I really don't like that. If I call you, it's because I want to hear your voice and/or I want you to hear mine. I don't want to have to figure out how to place inflection on what I'm typing. Honestly, in the grand scheme of things, this is probably completely unimportant. But, it needs to be said, and it's my blog, and I can say whatever I damn well please.
Second, I do not conduct business on Facebook. Yeah, the whole world uses social media for blah blah blah, and I might ruin chances of making money because blahblahblah.
I don't give a rat's ass.
Facebook is my personal life. If I post something about where I'm DJing, it's not business. It may seem like it, but the truth is, I'm giving you another option of something to do, and telling you where I'm going to be. You know, in case you haven't seen me in a while and want to. Or just so you don't have to go to a place with another crappy DJ. You could come see THIS crappy DJ! I have a business page, and I use it for – you guessed it – BUSINESS!!!!! What I say or do on Facebook, Twitter, or any other social media platform is my personal life, and will be treated as such. I have an email address. That's what it's for. Therefore, if you send me a message on Facebook about a price quote, a charity event, or anything having to do with business, it will go unanswered, or I will send you a little nastygram back. Facebook = personal life. Get it? This goes DOUBLY for people constantly asking me to like their business, or strings of businesses, or whatever. (It's actually reason number one why I wrote this section.) This is a last warning before removing your ass altogether. I don't care who you are, or what you think. PERIOD. (That means it's not up for discussion, so don't bring it up.)
Next, in case you hadn't noticed, my name is spelled V-I-N-N-Y. If you can't get that right, then find something else to call me. A nickname, shorten it up, full name, last name, whatever. I'll even answer to “asshole” if you want, just stop misspelling my name. And while we're on the subject of names...
My last name is “Gonzalez” - not Smith, Jones, or some other Caucasian-based variety. Prepare to be shocked: I am not white. I may “look white,” I may even “sound white” to some of you, but rest assured, I am not. And this isn't a race thing, because I love white people. So when you make your little racist jokes and I hear them and chuckle a little, it's a nervous laugh. Because I DON'T LIKE THAT SHIT. When you say things about my heritage, it rattles me to the very core. Puerto Ricans are very proud of our heritage – like all Hispanics WE don't think it's funny when you call us something else facetiously. You might think it's funny to make jokes and push the issue of whatever-the-hell you feel like saying about my ethnic origin – I'm telling you it's not funny, and I'm not going to stand for it any more. So shut your mouth before you even think of opening it.
Next, and please prepare yourself...chances are, you are not my friend. You might even be reading this and thinking, “Well, this part isn't for me.”
Ha ha. That's what you think.
Have I called you and told you about a serious problem I'm having, and ask you if we can just hang out because I need a friend? Have you asked this of me? I probably dropped everything and came running, right? Now, ask yourself this – would you have done the same for me? Did you do the same for me? Yeah, that's right. That shit just hit you, didn't it? That time I called you, didn't leave a voicemail, and you didn't pick up the phone and didn't call back at your earliest convenience? That was the point when you let me know that you weren't really my friend – but were damn sure willing to say I was yours. Jesus said turn the other cheek, he didn't say that I had to be in the room for you to strike me in the first place. And believe me, there are quite a few people that I allowed to strike me more than once.
Everything that was written up to this point needs no opinion – it's simply a statement of fact or feeling – neither of which requires your thought pattern. If it pisses you off, you probably should have thought about that in the first place. I really thought I was done with childish bullshit at one point before, but I realize that as long as I allow childish people to act childish in my presence, I am bringing it upon myself. I acknowledge that I have, in fact, allowed people to lie to me, manipulate me, and make me do things that I really don't want to do. I drop everything to bend over backwards and walk through fire to be lied to, or misled. I don't want to allow this to happen to me anymore. Therefore, I am resolving myself to no longer allow it. It has come time for me to allow my type-A personality to show through in all aspects of my life. I'm not happy with MYSELF as a result of all the bullshit I have put up with. It dawned on me today that I have hated myself since I was about 10 years old – and that little ditty came up without me even thinking about it. I just said it out loud while I was talking to my mother. I spent the next few hours really mulling over that little brain ninja, and that was some serious reflection time. I hate myself. I have for about 25 years now. Is there a support group for that?
Hi, my name is Vinny, and I hate myself.
So, if you're not happy with yourself, change it, right?
I sincerely wish you the best in discovering which part of this applies to you, if at all. Because if that's all you're thinking about, then you just missed the fact that I – *publicly* – admitted that the entire time you have known me, I have hated myself. And you're worried about you, right? GTFOH. Seriously.
Thursday, February 21, 2013
Offseason Ranting...
So, it's offseason for the awesome wedding professional world. Which leaves me time to catch up on my homework from school, Facebook like a mad man, travel, dine out, take day trips...although I can't really do those last three because it's offseason. Which means that I'm broke.
So, homework and Facebook rule the day. Which allows me to catch up on the news. (Begin rant)
First and foremost the political divisions in this country absolutely SUCK. Oh, you're a Donkey? Oh, you're an Elephant? Oh, you like Tea? Guess what - I do not now, nor I have ever, given one iota of a shit about your politics. You forget who your friends are because of your politics.
That being said, I'm about as liberal as they come. I believe in taking care of your fellow man, because Jesus said so. I may not be the cleanest-mouthed, nicest fellow in the world, but the basic teachings of Christ belong in my heart. I saw a billboard in a meme the other day that said:
"Hey You, "Love Your Neighbor." I meant that. - God"
Genius. Absolute GENIUS. So many forget that daily. I don't care if you're black, white, green, purple with orange polka dots, straight, gay, ethnic, urban, country, redneck, intelligent, stupid...well...yeah, I'll let the stupid people stay for now...a virgin, a whore (man or woman,) a cop, an outlaw, a gangbanger, or a preacher...I hate everyone equally. HAHA...just kiddin'. I attempt to treat all people the same, with kindness. Until they prove they deserve otherwise. And that's not judgement - it's simply being fair. I only have two cheeks. I'll turn once. After that, you proved you deserve otherwise.
The perfect example of someone who handles politics in a great way: friend of mine named Cal V. Oh yeah, this Republican, Right Wing, damn near Tea-Party mofo, has my love for life already - and my respect with the way he handles it. Posts opinions all over FB, but not ONCE does he attack anyone but those who oppose what he stands for. And always with respect. I have totally opposing political beliefs, so I do what everyone else SHOULD...shut my effin mouth! There is absolutely no reason to beat a dead horse, and everyone does this crap all the time! Stop trying to argue with people who have been there when you needed them (or vice versa) and ending long-term friendships this way!
Cal V. and I share a mutual friend who has been removed from my list of FB friends for a long time because of this. I felt bad because she sent me a message asking me about it, and I ignored her on purpose. I watched her berate people's opinions while quoting the bible, talk about "gay marriage" like it's an abomination while quoting the bible, and speak on whatever else the ChristianCrazies Coalition has tried to beat in to the "religious right." You can't talk about loving your fellow man and act like you believe what Westboro teaches is the real deal in the same day. To top that all off, crazy vain pics all day every day! The kind of pics that are the grown-up version of duck-face...you know, "I look so good and you're about to comment below and tell me that." Yeah, you can be pretty all day, and have a great body, and be cordial to everyone...but watch anyone long enough and you'll know exactly what they are about. Hell, she opined on one of my statuses about 'gay' marriage and I almost lost it on her! Like, I wanted to go where I know she hangs out on the weekends and verbally confront her and ask her "Who the EFF do you think you are?!?" Instead, I quietly defriended her while shaking my head. There is a part of me that still regrets that because, let's face facts, she's hot as hell and I enjoyed thumbing through her pics every now and then. But, I'm not one to call people hypocrites, so...
Enough of that. Before anyone gets upset with why I put "gay marriage" in quotes, I need to explain myself. It's just marriage. I don't care who marries who. Hell, I don't even care who's wearing the piece, or who's top and who's bottom. Just don't care. That is all.
Now, some advice to all of my friends.
1. STOP THE POLITICAL BULLSHIT. You are literally losing friends because they think it's okay to raise taxes on corporations, and you're worried about your personal bank account. Resolve to keep political discussions silent among those whom you disagree with! I do that with quite a few of my friends...IT WORKS!!!!!
2. STOP THE RELIGIOUS NUT BULLSHIT! I believe in God, Christ, and the Holy Spirit. I'm a practicing Catholic, and on occasion I go to a Baptist church that a friend of mine preaches at. And I'm never going to wave the holiest of all holy books in someone's face to prove that God hates fags. (Sorry to my gay friends for using that word, but this point needs to be driven home.) GOD DOES NOT HATE. God is love. God can get angry, true. God can smite, and punish, and even send your ass to hell if you're THAT bad of a person. But God does not hate. God accepts all for who they are, and loves them the same. During his time on Earth, Jesus taught that YOU are supposed to do that as well. Just food for thought.
3. STOP THE DUCKFACE! I know this doesn't really belong with the theme of my blog, but I just really think that duckface is awful. And I'm tired of seeing it. Really tired. Please stop.
4. STOP WITH THE GRUMPY CAT BULLSHIT! Just kidding...I like Grumpy Cat.
5. LAUGH MORE! That's what 3 and 4 were about. I'm so tired of serious people. Especially in the professional world. Serious and professional are NOT the same thing, and I'm really tired of people not being able to smile and laugh with others. Professional does NOT mean stoic. Have a little fun.
I could write all day on some of this garbage, but I won't. Because I have other things to do. And that's my 10-minute break...back to homework and FB! And now I can dislike stupid people again.
So, homework and Facebook rule the day. Which allows me to catch up on the news. (Begin rant)
First and foremost the political divisions in this country absolutely SUCK. Oh, you're a Donkey? Oh, you're an Elephant? Oh, you like Tea? Guess what - I do not now, nor I have ever, given one iota of a shit about your politics. You forget who your friends are because of your politics.
That being said, I'm about as liberal as they come. I believe in taking care of your fellow man, because Jesus said so. I may not be the cleanest-mouthed, nicest fellow in the world, but the basic teachings of Christ belong in my heart. I saw a billboard in a meme the other day that said:
"Hey You, "Love Your Neighbor." I meant that. - God"
Genius. Absolute GENIUS. So many forget that daily. I don't care if you're black, white, green, purple with orange polka dots, straight, gay, ethnic, urban, country, redneck, intelligent, stupid...well...yeah, I'll let the stupid people stay for now...a virgin, a whore (man or woman,) a cop, an outlaw, a gangbanger, or a preacher...I hate everyone equally. HAHA...just kiddin'. I attempt to treat all people the same, with kindness. Until they prove they deserve otherwise. And that's not judgement - it's simply being fair. I only have two cheeks. I'll turn once. After that, you proved you deserve otherwise.
The perfect example of someone who handles politics in a great way: friend of mine named Cal V. Oh yeah, this Republican, Right Wing, damn near Tea-Party mofo, has my love for life already - and my respect with the way he handles it. Posts opinions all over FB, but not ONCE does he attack anyone but those who oppose what he stands for. And always with respect. I have totally opposing political beliefs, so I do what everyone else SHOULD...shut my effin mouth! There is absolutely no reason to beat a dead horse, and everyone does this crap all the time! Stop trying to argue with people who have been there when you needed them (or vice versa) and ending long-term friendships this way!
Cal V. and I share a mutual friend who has been removed from my list of FB friends for a long time because of this. I felt bad because she sent me a message asking me about it, and I ignored her on purpose. I watched her berate people's opinions while quoting the bible, talk about "gay marriage" like it's an abomination while quoting the bible, and speak on whatever else the ChristianCrazies Coalition has tried to beat in to the "religious right." You can't talk about loving your fellow man and act like you believe what Westboro teaches is the real deal in the same day. To top that all off, crazy vain pics all day every day! The kind of pics that are the grown-up version of duck-face...you know, "I look so good and you're about to comment below and tell me that." Yeah, you can be pretty all day, and have a great body, and be cordial to everyone...but watch anyone long enough and you'll know exactly what they are about. Hell, she opined on one of my statuses about 'gay' marriage and I almost lost it on her! Like, I wanted to go where I know she hangs out on the weekends and verbally confront her and ask her "Who the EFF do you think you are?!?" Instead, I quietly defriended her while shaking my head. There is a part of me that still regrets that because, let's face facts, she's hot as hell and I enjoyed thumbing through her pics every now and then. But, I'm not one to call people hypocrites, so...
Enough of that. Before anyone gets upset with why I put "gay marriage" in quotes, I need to explain myself. It's just marriage. I don't care who marries who. Hell, I don't even care who's wearing the piece, or who's top and who's bottom. Just don't care. That is all.
Now, some advice to all of my friends.
1. STOP THE POLITICAL BULLSHIT. You are literally losing friends because they think it's okay to raise taxes on corporations, and you're worried about your personal bank account. Resolve to keep political discussions silent among those whom you disagree with! I do that with quite a few of my friends...IT WORKS!!!!!
2. STOP THE RELIGIOUS NUT BULLSHIT! I believe in God, Christ, and the Holy Spirit. I'm a practicing Catholic, and on occasion I go to a Baptist church that a friend of mine preaches at. And I'm never going to wave the holiest of all holy books in someone's face to prove that God hates fags. (Sorry to my gay friends for using that word, but this point needs to be driven home.) GOD DOES NOT HATE. God is love. God can get angry, true. God can smite, and punish, and even send your ass to hell if you're THAT bad of a person. But God does not hate. God accepts all for who they are, and loves them the same. During his time on Earth, Jesus taught that YOU are supposed to do that as well. Just food for thought.
3. STOP THE DUCKFACE! I know this doesn't really belong with the theme of my blog, but I just really think that duckface is awful. And I'm tired of seeing it. Really tired. Please stop.
4. STOP WITH THE GRUMPY CAT BULLSHIT! Just kidding...I like Grumpy Cat.
5. LAUGH MORE! That's what 3 and 4 were about. I'm so tired of serious people. Especially in the professional world. Serious and professional are NOT the same thing, and I'm really tired of people not being able to smile and laugh with others. Professional does NOT mean stoic. Have a little fun.
I could write all day on some of this garbage, but I won't. Because I have other things to do. And that's my 10-minute break...back to homework and FB! And now I can dislike stupid people again.
Friday, November 23, 2012
Thankfulness...
So, I was looking through my old blogs and realized that I pretty much use it for a sounding board when I'm pissed about a major life event.
That's a bad thing.
Considering I realize how blessed I am and how truly great life can be, I think it's time for me to actually write something like that. Major life event: Thanksgiving 2012. I missed all opportunities to pray with others because I was running on CPT. (That's Colored People Time for those who don't know, and it means to run late.) Therefore, I took some time to pray by myself, and realized that I need to mention a few things that I'm thankful for, and some people.
First and foremost, I am thankful for my family. Anyone who know Moms knows she is a nut, and that usually continues with the time I spend with her. We have developed a special relationship that is fantastic, and I'm grateful for that. My brother is awesome, my sister is still my baby sister, and Steppops is a trip. My grandparents are still the best people I know, and I can't be thankful for them enough. Then I have a whole OTHER side to the family! Dad, stepmoms, some stepsiblings, and they're great too. If I could just teach my Dad to use REGULAR time, not military time, and stop stealing everything I put on my plate and all my drinks, then I would consider him housebroken. I know this whole paragraph is cliche, but whatever. It's my blog and I can write whatever I want. Ha. Ha.
I am thankful for a great job with a very understanding person at the helm. And I'm not brown-nosing, because he won't even read this. Guaranteed.
To my favorite banger-that-rides-a-bike: you keep me intelligent, sane, and on my toes. Thankful for that and so much more, but we're men and I'm not gonna talk about it. Loyalty is hard to find, and I'm glad it's mutual. You, sir, will always have my friendship.
To the rhythm-making professor: Read above, apply to you.
To the good Doctor: I will sit at that crappy place with you and drink that crappy coffee almost anytime. Almost. Because that's what we do.
To my favorite pastor: Words cannot express how much you truly mean to me, and how I thank God every day for bringing you into my life. I hope that as life goes on, I can learn to be as generous, kind, intelligent, and warm as you are to everyone you know, and I love you. Or, as you like to say, "I got nuttin' but love for you!"
To my favorite snowstorm: You don't know this, and you'll more-than-likely never read it, but there is something that needs to be said. You reminded me that there are drop-dead gorgeous women in this world that have a good heat. You are the very definition of the word "kind," and I consider myself blessed to know you.
Hey codsack: Lersh Be Furnds. And I am so very thankful we are. I look forward to continuing to grow closer as friends and for being there when you need me, as you are for me.
To the entire chapter of Eastern Carolina Untzheadz - Damn, I absolutely love being friends with you guys, and we can have a kiki anytime. I'm thankful that no matter what, when we get together, it's always fun, silly, great, and meaningful all at the same time. (This includes the following DJ's - Johnny Drago, J-Love, Hottie, Cancel, and BrickHouse.)
And to all of my cousins: I have an individual relationship with each one of you, and I am thankful for it. I love you all with everything I can, and even though we don't get to spend that much time together, know that I cherish every moment we do spend. And I mean this for each of you.
There are a few other people that belong here, but I have told them this so many times that I honestly feel it goes without saying. They know I'm thankful for them, and I got stuff to do.
Oh, and in no particular order, I'm also thankful for Netflix, Redbox, my car, BPM and Electric Area, Walgreens, deodorant, my bird Ferry, badonkadonks, all the teachers in the spanish department at Coastal, college in general, coffee, smartphones, women with cute butts, and so many more things.
See? I can talk about nice things!
V
That's a bad thing.
Considering I realize how blessed I am and how truly great life can be, I think it's time for me to actually write something like that. Major life event: Thanksgiving 2012. I missed all opportunities to pray with others because I was running on CPT. (That's Colored People Time for those who don't know, and it means to run late.) Therefore, I took some time to pray by myself, and realized that I need to mention a few things that I'm thankful for, and some people.
First and foremost, I am thankful for my family. Anyone who know Moms knows she is a nut, and that usually continues with the time I spend with her. We have developed a special relationship that is fantastic, and I'm grateful for that. My brother is awesome, my sister is still my baby sister, and Steppops is a trip. My grandparents are still the best people I know, and I can't be thankful for them enough. Then I have a whole OTHER side to the family! Dad, stepmoms, some stepsiblings, and they're great too. If I could just teach my Dad to use REGULAR time, not military time, and stop stealing everything I put on my plate and all my drinks, then I would consider him housebroken. I know this whole paragraph is cliche, but whatever. It's my blog and I can write whatever I want. Ha. Ha.
I am thankful for a great job with a very understanding person at the helm. And I'm not brown-nosing, because he won't even read this. Guaranteed.
To my favorite banger-that-rides-a-bike: you keep me intelligent, sane, and on my toes. Thankful for that and so much more, but we're men and I'm not gonna talk about it. Loyalty is hard to find, and I'm glad it's mutual. You, sir, will always have my friendship.
To the rhythm-making professor: Read above, apply to you.
To the good Doctor: I will sit at that crappy place with you and drink that crappy coffee almost anytime. Almost. Because that's what we do.
To my favorite pastor: Words cannot express how much you truly mean to me, and how I thank God every day for bringing you into my life. I hope that as life goes on, I can learn to be as generous, kind, intelligent, and warm as you are to everyone you know, and I love you. Or, as you like to say, "I got nuttin' but love for you!"
To my favorite snowstorm: You don't know this, and you'll more-than-likely never read it, but there is something that needs to be said. You reminded me that there are drop-dead gorgeous women in this world that have a good heat. You are the very definition of the word "kind," and I consider myself blessed to know you.
Hey codsack: Lersh Be Furnds. And I am so very thankful we are. I look forward to continuing to grow closer as friends and for being there when you need me, as you are for me.
To the entire chapter of Eastern Carolina Untzheadz - Damn, I absolutely love being friends with you guys, and we can have a kiki anytime. I'm thankful that no matter what, when we get together, it's always fun, silly, great, and meaningful all at the same time. (This includes the following DJ's - Johnny Drago, J-Love, Hottie, Cancel, and BrickHouse.)
And to all of my cousins: I have an individual relationship with each one of you, and I am thankful for it. I love you all with everything I can, and even though we don't get to spend that much time together, know that I cherish every moment we do spend. And I mean this for each of you.
There are a few other people that belong here, but I have told them this so many times that I honestly feel it goes without saying. They know I'm thankful for them, and I got stuff to do.
Oh, and in no particular order, I'm also thankful for Netflix, Redbox, my car, BPM and Electric Area, Walgreens, deodorant, my bird Ferry, badonkadonks, all the teachers in the spanish department at Coastal, college in general, coffee, smartphones, women with cute butts, and so many more things.
See? I can talk about nice things!
V
Monday, November 12, 2012
The interrupting cow(s)...
I haven't written a blog in about 18 months. In English, that is. Time to do this one mo'gain. And I hate to say it, but it's not going to be nice...I need to vent. Why?
Because no one listens.
It is ridiculous how many people use me for a sounding board. I seem to be a confidant for everyone I know. Usually, I'm okay with that. It means people trust me enough to tell me intimate things about themselves and know that I will never say a word.
For the past few months this has slowly been becoming unacceptable. It has dawned on me that I know a bunch of self-centered, self-absorbed, selfish assholes. People who talk about absolutely nothing but themselves and their problems and the solutions to their problems and things they have to deal with and so on. You get the idea.
The other day, for the first time in two or three weeks, I had someone ask me, genuinely, how I am doing. I actually had to stop and think about it, because it's been so long since someone showed genuine concern for my well-being. Truth is, pretty shitty... and it really took me a moment to figure that out!
I wish I could just write about "Oh, I can't find a girl that I like" or "Dating sucks" - but I haven't been trying to do that lately. Stepping away from that whole thing, I decided I was just going to hang out with some females because, let's face facts, I get along better with girls.
I got stood up, cancelled on, rainchecked, and just plain told no more than if I was trying to date someone.
Wow.
So, on to the guy friends. I honestly never knew that vagina was that important to people with penises. I also didn't know that it is no longer commonplace to just hang out with the guys...like a guys' night or something.
So I started really paying attention to things around me. When I am asked a question of a nature that has to do with my life, it is amazing how many people interrupt me to let me know that they already know because they either have dealt or are currently dealing with the same thing, or it's so much worse for them than it is for me, or how their friend is going through the same thing, or ..... wait a sec. (here comes the rant)
Shut. The. Fuck. Up.
How about you actually be a friend and listen to other people? When you need someone to listen to you, or watch you cry, or let you USE THE FUCK OUT OF ME, I don't say a word. I let you do what you need to do. But when *I* got some some shit going on, you can't shut the fuck up and let me vent? You know why I never cry?
BECAUSE MOTHERFUCKERS LIKE YOU NEVER LET ME GET THAT FAR!
Instead, I am relegated to spending all this time alone without ONE DAMN PERSON who will listen. When you call yourself a friend to someone, THAT'S YOUR FUCKING JOB.
BE THERE.
You got one damn job as a friend. I don't want money, I don't want a ride, I don't want a cigarette, I don't want ANYTHING but your friendship and your ear. NOT YOUR MOUTH. So once again, with conviction, I say:
SHUT. THE. FUCK. UP. and listen.
I give/loan money if one needs it and I have it. I have and will go out of my way to get one where they need to be if it's feasible. And usually, I'M the one who always has cigarettes and ends up broke from giving them to other people. I always seem to have great advice, and always seem to end up paying for the meal or the coffee.
But when I have some internal conflict and feel hurt in some way, why the FUCK do others ALWAYS feel the need to interrupt me and talk about themselves? If you can answer this, you know how to contact me. It honestly is a general question.
Sorry about all the expletives. (Not really. I'm not here to appease others.)
V
Postscript - There are a few people that this doesn't apply to. Please take a moment to wonder if it's you.
Friday, April 22, 2011
Crazy pills and Sopranos
***PLEASE BE WARNED***
This may not be your cup of tea. It may or may not include foul language. I haven't decided yet. And it definitely will be a little hard on the parties involved. Because I didn't deserve this, and I feel it's worth getting off my chest. Especially since I was only ever nice. And even more especially because of the hurt I am enduring up until the very moment I write this.
I wanted to let all of you know what happened without having to tell the story five million times. Besides, at this point I don't care who says what, and I know for a fact that she won't read this because she doesn't care enough to. Please read the previous blog before you read this one. It sort of plays into the story line. I'm writing this because I want to put it to bed.
Okay, read it? Great...and let's continue the story.
When she finally did pick up the phone, the lies started flowing. Now, I had watched her lie to her ex and her mother while right in front of me, and I really didn't know what made me think I would be any different. I mean, she was emotionally and verbally abused to a certain extent, so that could have been why. There was one fact that remained, though.
She lied to me. Several times.
Not once did I lie to her about anything. Ever. She told me that someone had changed her Facebook relationship status on her phone the night before. Unfortunately, when I checked it around 5:30 or 5:45 on Sunday afternoon, it said "48 minutes ago." That was lie number one.
I then asked her about the guy that she added within 15 minutes of declaring herself single. She told me that it was just some guy she met in Wilmington. (I know, but trust me when I say it's vital to the story. Because we all live our lives through social networking and the internet now.) So, I get caught in the aftermath of a natural disaster after getting off work, bust my ass to get there, and you didn't pick up the phone because you were meeting the next love of your life. After telling me you loved me for the first time less than a month before that. Wow.
Then I started asking her about things that she had been doing to hurt me. She was so calm and collected, and very, very silent. She wanted a break. So I politely asked her to meet with me on Monday morning before she went to class so that we could talk. That whole conversation was riddled with her turning everything around on me, calling me a "F__ing ___hole" as many times as she could, and saying hurtful things to me while trying to leave several times. I asked her what I had done wrong, and she could never name anything. I started to realize that I hadn't done anything wrong, and that this was her being young and nasty to me so that I would break up with her and she could tell EVERYONE that it was me. Except she forgot that I'm a fighter. So, I'm fighting, and she is lying. Want to know how?
Every single night she got a text message and all of the sudden needed to get off the phone. THAT is what you call suspect behavior.
I asked her, "Do you want to be with me, yes or no?" That was the last thing I ever said to her, because she hung up on me with no warning and not a sound heard for 20 seconds before that, then texted me and told me her daughter was choking and she had to attend to that. Funny how she was outside smoking a cigarette at the time.
After that, I tried calling back a few times, and sent her a few messages. I haven't heard from her since. Now, just to be clear, I'm not accusing her of being a liar in general. She hates that. And up until I found out the real deal, I really did love this girl. Still kinda do, because no matter how had I try, I can't help who I love. First girl that I told her that I loved her in over 5 years. I AM, however, saying that she lied to me. And that's not an accusation, it's a fact. Because when I pop over to Facebook to unfriend her lying, cheating ass, and she has statuses up there about new guys, it's not an accusation. It's a fact. I really hope she had fun on her walk in the park with someone special, and had fun on her trip to Wilmington last night to go see the new guy.
I feel sorry for him, and I'm going to pray for him and her (seperately.) Because she did it to her ex with me and with others, and she did it to me with what I think are a few guys, and she's going to do it again until she gets help and realizes that she's wrong. When people are nice to you and you like them, that's not how you treat them. I made concessions in my life and was willing to fight for her. I even thought about taking a punch in the face so that she could get her son back. You know, North Carolina's grab-and-run law: whoever has the kid is who the kid goes with.
Let me tell you something I wll say time and time again: I am not stupid. I watched you treat your ex the same way, and it made HIM crazy. It took me one day to realize what was going on, and I had to make a decision. This was the decision I made.
I decided to let go. I know through the help of a new, great friend of mine, that I can't do anything to help her. Furthermore, I can't help ANY of these women that so many of my friends know I have been dating for many, many years. It's not my job to fix broken women. Captain Save-A-Ho has left the building, and the cape is being retired. I will not allow myself to be emotionally abused by women who have become abusers after being treated badly. And it's because my heart can't take it anymore. And I mean that figuratively and literally.
Literally, because I went to the doctor yesterday, and even she knew something was wrong. She started asking me questions, and we had a nice, long chat. At the end of which she diagnosed me with General Anxiety Disorder. (Sorta sneaky, that's why I like her.) Basically, I am stressed the eff out to the point where she actually believes THAT is what is causing my high blood pressure, and has been for some time. So, now she wants me to call her once a week and update her off-the-record, and she made me promise to go in whenever she says she feels I need to. And now I have to take anti-anxiety meds. Great. I'm the nice, kind-hearted, gentle one who loves everyone and treats people as nicely as I can, and *I* get the crazy pills. Sheesh. Really? At least I was lucky enough to have a doc who had a degree in Psychology. Thanks again, Big Guns upstairs.
Hi, my name is Vinny, and I'm an official, card-carrying member of the Tony Soprano Anti-Panic-Attack Worrywart Club.
Anyway, moving right along, that's what happened. And I really believe there's alot more to the story that I don't know about, but I'm okay with not knowing. My self-confidence, self-worth, self-esteem, and anything else you can throw "self" in front of is at an all-time low But, the truth is, I'll probably never hear from her again. Except for in a few years, when she'll contact me to do what damn near every other ex of mine has done:
"I'm so sorry that I did what I did to you. I was so messed up and you're such a nice guy, and I can't believe I did some of those things. Can you forgive me?"
Yeah, I forgive you. Because that's how I roll. I can even forget. But how about you do me the favor of not reminding me about yourself again.
Ever.
Especially if you live in Jacksonville and your name is Cortney Blount.
V
SN: Time to start the healing process. Not just from this, but the many years of girls like her doing the same thing to me. If you'd like to help with that, and Lord knows I need it, my number is on my Facebook profile. I could use some words from you, even if you don't think I'd want to hear from you.
This may not be your cup of tea. It may or may not include foul language. I haven't decided yet. And it definitely will be a little hard on the parties involved. Because I didn't deserve this, and I feel it's worth getting off my chest. Especially since I was only ever nice. And even more especially because of the hurt I am enduring up until the very moment I write this.
I wanted to let all of you know what happened without having to tell the story five million times. Besides, at this point I don't care who says what, and I know for a fact that she won't read this because she doesn't care enough to. Please read the previous blog before you read this one. It sort of plays into the story line. I'm writing this because I want to put it to bed.
Okay, read it? Great...and let's continue the story.
When she finally did pick up the phone, the lies started flowing. Now, I had watched her lie to her ex and her mother while right in front of me, and I really didn't know what made me think I would be any different. I mean, she was emotionally and verbally abused to a certain extent, so that could have been why. There was one fact that remained, though.
She lied to me. Several times.
Not once did I lie to her about anything. Ever. She told me that someone had changed her Facebook relationship status on her phone the night before. Unfortunately, when I checked it around 5:30 or 5:45 on Sunday afternoon, it said "48 minutes ago." That was lie number one.
I then asked her about the guy that she added within 15 minutes of declaring herself single. She told me that it was just some guy she met in Wilmington. (I know, but trust me when I say it's vital to the story. Because we all live our lives through social networking and the internet now.) So, I get caught in the aftermath of a natural disaster after getting off work, bust my ass to get there, and you didn't pick up the phone because you were meeting the next love of your life. After telling me you loved me for the first time less than a month before that. Wow.
Then I started asking her about things that she had been doing to hurt me. She was so calm and collected, and very, very silent. She wanted a break. So I politely asked her to meet with me on Monday morning before she went to class so that we could talk. That whole conversation was riddled with her turning everything around on me, calling me a "F__ing ___hole" as many times as she could, and saying hurtful things to me while trying to leave several times. I asked her what I had done wrong, and she could never name anything. I started to realize that I hadn't done anything wrong, and that this was her being young and nasty to me so that I would break up with her and she could tell EVERYONE that it was me. Except she forgot that I'm a fighter. So, I'm fighting, and she is lying. Want to know how?
Every single night she got a text message and all of the sudden needed to get off the phone. THAT is what you call suspect behavior.
I asked her, "Do you want to be with me, yes or no?" That was the last thing I ever said to her, because she hung up on me with no warning and not a sound heard for 20 seconds before that, then texted me and told me her daughter was choking and she had to attend to that. Funny how she was outside smoking a cigarette at the time.
After that, I tried calling back a few times, and sent her a few messages. I haven't heard from her since. Now, just to be clear, I'm not accusing her of being a liar in general. She hates that. And up until I found out the real deal, I really did love this girl. Still kinda do, because no matter how had I try, I can't help who I love. First girl that I told her that I loved her in over 5 years. I AM, however, saying that she lied to me. And that's not an accusation, it's a fact. Because when I pop over to Facebook to unfriend her lying, cheating ass, and she has statuses up there about new guys, it's not an accusation. It's a fact. I really hope she had fun on her walk in the park with someone special, and had fun on her trip to Wilmington last night to go see the new guy.
I feel sorry for him, and I'm going to pray for him and her (seperately.) Because she did it to her ex with me and with others, and she did it to me with what I think are a few guys, and she's going to do it again until she gets help and realizes that she's wrong. When people are nice to you and you like them, that's not how you treat them. I made concessions in my life and was willing to fight for her. I even thought about taking a punch in the face so that she could get her son back. You know, North Carolina's grab-and-run law: whoever has the kid is who the kid goes with.
Let me tell you something I wll say time and time again: I am not stupid. I watched you treat your ex the same way, and it made HIM crazy. It took me one day to realize what was going on, and I had to make a decision. This was the decision I made.
I decided to let go. I know through the help of a new, great friend of mine, that I can't do anything to help her. Furthermore, I can't help ANY of these women that so many of my friends know I have been dating for many, many years. It's not my job to fix broken women. Captain Save-A-Ho has left the building, and the cape is being retired. I will not allow myself to be emotionally abused by women who have become abusers after being treated badly. And it's because my heart can't take it anymore. And I mean that figuratively and literally.
Literally, because I went to the doctor yesterday, and even she knew something was wrong. She started asking me questions, and we had a nice, long chat. At the end of which she diagnosed me with General Anxiety Disorder. (Sorta sneaky, that's why I like her.) Basically, I am stressed the eff out to the point where she actually believes THAT is what is causing my high blood pressure, and has been for some time. So, now she wants me to call her once a week and update her off-the-record, and she made me promise to go in whenever she says she feels I need to. And now I have to take anti-anxiety meds. Great. I'm the nice, kind-hearted, gentle one who loves everyone and treats people as nicely as I can, and *I* get the crazy pills. Sheesh. Really? At least I was lucky enough to have a doc who had a degree in Psychology. Thanks again, Big Guns upstairs.
Hi, my name is Vinny, and I'm an official, card-carrying member of the Tony Soprano Anti-Panic-Attack Worrywart Club.
Anyway, moving right along, that's what happened. And I really believe there's alot more to the story that I don't know about, but I'm okay with not knowing. My self-confidence, self-worth, self-esteem, and anything else you can throw "self" in front of is at an all-time low But, the truth is, I'll probably never hear from her again. Except for in a few years, when she'll contact me to do what damn near every other ex of mine has done:
"I'm so sorry that I did what I did to you. I was so messed up and you're such a nice guy, and I can't believe I did some of those things. Can you forgive me?"
Yeah, I forgive you. Because that's how I roll. I can even forget. But how about you do me the favor of not reminding me about yourself again.
Ever.
Especially if you live in Jacksonville and your name is Cortney Blount.
V
SN: Time to start the healing process. Not just from this, but the many years of girls like her doing the same thing to me. If you'd like to help with that, and Lord knows I need it, my number is on my Facebook profile. I could use some words from you, even if you don't think I'd want to hear from you.
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